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Lessons from a Bully
As an adult and a father of four children, I look back at myself as a teenager and want to say Son! What were you doing?
When I was growing up, most people probably thought I was a good kid. Despite living with a drug addicted mother and an alcoholic father, I did okay in school and even excelled in sports. But for many of my teenage years, I was a bully. I targeted kids who were weaker than I was and picked on them. Although the bullying was verbal, its relentlessness made it devastating.
As an adult and a father of four children, I look back at myself as a teenager and want to say Son! What were you doing? How could you be so hurtful? Why did you behave like this, even when you knew it was wrong?
I know now that the genesis for the behavior was the dysfunction at home, coupled with struggling with a learning disability. I didn’t really feel like I had anyone to talk to, so I would act out by making others unknowingly and unwillingly share my pain.
Through the years, I’ve read about the different tactics suggested to address bullying, and I know that most of them wouldn’t have worked on me. So, from the perspective of a reformed bully, let me tell you what can help.
Recognize the Different Forms of Bullying
The reason I was never caught bullying was because of the type of intimidation I used. Many people think of bullying as physical, but mine was verbal. I picked on kids for their weight, their lack of athleticism, their academic success or failure, their apparel, their speech—anything I could use to put someone down, scare them or make them feel small.
Nowadays, kids bully through text messages and Instagram updates. Like I once did, they always find a way to make someone’s life miserable.
As parents, educators, counselors, coaches, neighbors, friends and families, we need to be aware of the ways a bully can wreak havoc.
Call Out the Bully
One traditional piece of advice in dealing with a bully is to just ignore them. Give him no reaction, and he’ll lose interest and go away. But frankly, what terrorized kid can act as if nothing happened? And even if he could, the reactions of the people around him or her are enough to reinforce the bully’s behavior.
What’s more, with the increase in cyber bullying, kids can do their damage anonymously. They don’t necessarily need to be seen—they just need to see the victim’s reaction.
We adults need to listen very carefully to what our kids are saying to know when bullying is happening and not simply give them the “sticks and stones” lecture. Acknowledge that, yes, words can hurt.
Finally, it’s important to establish a “zero tolerance” policy in school, on the team and in the family. And when someone violates that, call them on it.
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Address the Bully’s Pain
Certainly the victim needs to be attended to, but we often forget that a child bully is a child who is likely suffering. For the bully’s parents, it’s tough to hear that your child is being cruel to someone, but left unaddressed, the behavior is likely to continue and perhaps even escalate.
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Instead of rushing to punish the bully, we need to focus on finding the source of the suffering and on teaching him how to re-channel the hurt.
Life is about about progress not perfection!