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Health & Fitness

How To End a Relationship When Your Partner Has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Healthy people cannot understand the depths of anguish and discomfort a partner with BPD sinks to. However, this does not mean the healthy partner should stay in the relationship.

It is hard enough to be in a relationship when both people are emotionally stable. When someone has an emotionally-crippling mental disorder, such as BPD, things get exponentially more volatile, and even potentially dangerous. “Emotional Vampire” is a term I have heard patients use to describe a partner who acts erratically, overly-demanding and needy to a point it becomes draining and energy-sucking.

Healthy, stable people without a taxing emotional deficit, such as BPD, cannot truly understand the depths of anguish and discomfort a partner with the disorder sinks to. Simply, the person with BPD lacks an emotional skin and cannot contain the overwhelming emotions that cause him or her to “emotionally-bleed-out.” It is heart-wrenchingly tragic to witness the unbearable torment the sufferer deals with. However, this does not mean the healthy partner should continue to stay in the relationship-- unless the suffering partner gets outside help.

If you want to get off the roller-coaster and end it with the emotionally dysregulated person in your life, here is what you may want to consider:

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1) Do not become unkind to them by yelling at them. Even though your anger would likely be a justified reaction to the “interpersonal-terrorism” they have waged upon you, a person with BPD will become more hurt, feel more victimized, become more isolated and likely to strike-out further.

2) Do not abandon your partner with BPD—if possible—rather, slowly disengage and detach with love and compassion. “Quitting” your partner suddenly can lead to his or her self-harming behavior—or worse. Try to transition from intimate partner to “supporting other” whenever possible. This is usually easier to do when there is autonomy between the partners (i.e., not married or living together, no children, etc.)  

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3) Be clear with the person you are breaking away from. Do not tip-toe around your plans to put distance between you both. Do not lead them on, give them false hope, or be wishy-washy. Be firm, be gentle, and clear that there will not be a reconciliation.

4) If your partner threatens suicide or to harm you must take these threats seriously. Sometimes a partner with BPD can pull the “suicide-card” as a form of manipulating you or holding you “emotionally-hostage.” You will need outside help when you are being threatened or stalked.

 

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