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Health & Fitness

When Harry Hit Sally

Domestic Violence is an Equal Opportunity Threat

It wasn’t until pretty recently that psychology students in graduate school had to familiarize themselves with domestic violence (DV)—those likely to become perpetrators, those likely to become victims, spotting kids at risk of exposure to DV, calling child protective services in cases of suspected DV, etc.

In fact, grownups in polite society once had a strictly “hands off to whatever goes on behind closed doors” policy. Female victims were often isolated from former friends and family members and were not knowledgeable about whatever scant community resources might exist. Many more resources do exist today, and psychologists and others in similar positions are given extensive hours of required training in order to become licensed in this state in the “helping” professions. Still, as people ourselves, we can’t help but let our own notions and life experiences color the way we deal with clients whom we believe are dealing with DV. The law makes us mandated reporters, however, that is, we MUST report instances of children who are at risk of exposure to abuse (in any form). Failure on the part of a licensed or practicing mental health professional has serious consequences that keep practitioners walking the straight and narrow—no matter what we want to do or not do. For example, imagine the following situation and imagine you are the mental health professional—the doctor, like me:

Clients are referred to you for counseling services through the court system because the husband has a history of DV and there are small children living in the house. The children have been returned to these parents but ongoing counseling is part of the man’s probation requirement. These parents are poor, uneducated and have four small and helpless children. Eventually you see the woman with a suspicious mark or two and you suspect the husband is once again abusing her, even though she says she fell---again. What would you do, as the doctor treating this couple?

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Some instances of DV surprise us more than others. For example, the above scenario may not be too shocking to anyone—in fact, some may find it easy to understand. What about if we see this couple:

A female attorney and her police officer husband come in for couples counseling and they reveal that she has an unmanageable temper. She screams at him, throws things at him, and leaves threatening voicemails that accuse him of things he is not doing. He is in love with her but concerned because she is becoming increasingly rageful and ratcheting up the violence. She has graduated to slapping, hitting, kicking, and biting. However, he loves her and she always feels remorseful afterwards. What do you tell this couple? Is this as serious of a case of DV---even though the female is the perpetrator?

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Can you recognize a perpetrator “type?” What about a victim “type?” What would you recommend to either of these couples if they were your clients? Do you think either couple should remain in the relationship?

Perpetrators need victims. Why are some people more likely to become victims and why do they seem to attract perpetrators? Very often when victims manage to end an abusive relationship (without being stalked and severely injured or killed) they end up with a new partner who is equally or more abusive? The perpetrators who get new partners often have histories of having been abusive in prior relationships. Do you think these folks send each other subconscious signals that attract each other? I do. I think victims and perpetrators each give off a certain type of energy that attracts the type of partner needed to continue vicious cycles of abuse—of power trips and inequality, and of submission and dominance.  Therapy can help break through cycles of violence that are multi-generationally transmitted through families. That is, abused women who don’t protect their children (I am not assigning fault) put their children at risk to abuse or become abused. And it is equally so that abusive men put their children at risk of becoming perpetrators or attracting abusive partners themselves.

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