A reader of my blog wrote me the following e-mail:
Hello Doctor,
Thank you so much for your article on, “Dating Someone With Borderline.” It has helped me quite a bit. You were hitting the nail on the head on so many issues that I'm currently experiencing.
I'm writing because at the bottom of your article you said the next one would be, “ How to Make a Clean Break from Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder.” However I can't find it. Not on the site and not through Google. Maybe I'm just being computer illiterate.
I'm sure you get many people from the internet trying to solicit your services as though you were free. I'm sorry, that was not my intention. I'm just looking for the article.
Thank you,
“Reader”
My Response:
Dear Reader,
I appreciate your letter and learning about the lives of those who read my blog. I will offer you free coaching via e-mail so we can get you some type of resolution.
I never finished the second blog because it is a very complicated and delicate subject to write about.
Sometimes I get letters from readers who suffer with BPD that tell me how hurt,angry and suicidal they feel from my blog.
At other times I get letters of gratitude from those in problematic
relationships with sufferers who thank me for blogging. So, I am treading
cautiously between my different groups of readers. It is an important dialogue to have but the cold and impersonal modality of a blog can impinge upon my style, message and intent.
So, let me validate your concerns that she could or would commit suicide. The
BPD demographic is known to threaten, attempt and succeed at harming
themselves. Yours and her safety is no doubt a most careful consideration to be made when entertaining a permanent separation.
Let me start by asking you this:
What have you already tried as far as saving the relationship goes?
Why have you decided to really end it this time?
Have you been to therapy?
Is she on medication? If so, what?
What other diagnoses does she have?
Can anything save this relationship? What would you need from her?
Are you in love, or too trapped to end it for good?
Why do you think you attracted a person with BPD?
My Best,
Dr. Desiree Jabin, Psy.D.
If I was to write the second article it might say the following:
How to Make a Clean Break from Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder.
I want to stress that I do not think people with a BPD diagnosis are disposable. I think it is very important to sort out: (1) what initially attracted you to the person with BPD?, (2) what about You makes You attractive to a person with BPD?, and (3) Can anything be done (individual therapy, couples therapy, medication, etc.) to save the relationship?
There is no guarantee that just because you break up with the sufferer you will move on to better and more fulfilling relationships. In fact, the opposite is what happens in many cases. That is, whatever is causing you to attract BPD and whatever is causing you to be attractive to folks with BPD is not going to go away when you switch partners. Anyone who is serious about change occurring (ending dysfunctional patterns and styles of being and relating interpersonally) needs to make changes in his or her self before anything else can or will change.
Some people just like to complain about their partner’s “crazy” behavior while others like to hide their own shortcomings behind their partner’s obvious dysfunction. As an example, it is hard to see who the overspending, control-freak is when all eyes are on the “irrational, unstable” partner. There is nothing wrong with a dynamic if it works for the couple on some level—as long as no one is being hurt or hurting others (especially children and the elderly). Some couples actually enjoy arguing and will continue to find volatile relationships with every “at bat.” It is not unusual for some relationships to fizzle out because it is too “easy” to get along peacefully (read boring). Again, it is up to every couple to determine the specific alchemy that leads to homeostasis within the relationship.
When one member of the couple unilaterally changes (grows up, gives up, has a paradigm shift) it can be a real blow to the partner with BPD and lead to a dangerous situation depending on the specific psychopathology of the person involved. For example, Jodi Arias was a BPD who could not accept that Travis Alexander had “quit her” emotionally. Initially, the couple’s tumultuous groove worked well and both members of the couple enjoyed the high-conflict and drama comprising their “love” together. However, it turned deadly when Jodi’s abandonment issues were triggered and she crossed over into psychosis as evidenced by the murderous rampage she exacted on him.
Not all people with BPD are freeze-dried murderers. In fact, experts say that those with BPD are more likely to become crime victims rather than perpetrators. Most BPD sufferers harm themselves (suicidal) and are not homicidal. In the wake of an angry BPD outburst, emotional hangovers and severe collateral damage engulfs each member of the couple. Borderlines are very resourceful and talented when it comes to promising “they will never act like that again, never say that again, never hurt you emotionally again. The problem is that without the right help there is always an “again,” and “again,” and an “again.”
Still, I am not suggesting that “amputating” the borderline out of your life is the only answer. It may be or it may not be, I don’t know. There is seemingly no end to the confounding variables that coalesced and formed the constellation of events that brought the borderline and his or her partner together in the first place.
