How to avoid divorce court

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I know what causes divorce. As the child of divorce, Special Education teacher and then divorce lawyer since 1996, I have seen divorce up close. The top reason people divorce is incompatibility. This is almost always in one of two areas, (if not both) how to raise children and how to spend/save money. The old saying that opposites attract is proven every day in divorce court. Spenders marry savers. Free spirits marry authoritarian types. The problem is they drive each other crazy and make each others lives miserable.

So how do you solve these incompatibilities if you are already married? The child issue is a hot button for a lot of families. The authoritarian thinks the free spirit is "spoiling" the child while the free spirit thinks the authoritarian is "too hard" on the kids. If this sounds familiar I have an easy solution. Instead of letting these disputes rip your family apart, use the services of a couples counselor or child therapist to act as judge and tell you what to do. Tell the therapist that you are not hiring them to establish a therapeutic relationship, but that you need them to tell you what to do in child rearing disputes so you can save your marriage. Then when the two of you can't agree on a child rearing issue, you go to the therapist, each tell your own side of the story and follow what ever advice they give you. By letting a neutral 3rd party help you, you avoid all kinds of problems and save a lot of money.

When money disputes are involved it helps to understand that the overwhelming majority of people are giving a lot of meaning to money. The reality is it is just a tool. It is not love, power, status, security, validation or a whole host of other meanings that people give money. When you have a couple with incompatible spending/savings styles, you need to look deeper into the meaning of money for you and your spouse. I can't begin to tell you how many couples I have worked with doing divorce mediation, where money had such opposite functions in their lives. They simply couldn't stand to watch the other person "hoard" or "burn" money any more. When you have an understanding of what money means to the other person, you can have more compassion and hopefully tolerance of their relationship to money.

This is not to imply that people with compatible spending styles don't get divorced. I worked with a very high asset divorcing couple who spent $250,000 more than they earned every year. Because the man had sold a business for over $5 million he felt no concern about his dwindling bank account. The wife and children were used to having money and didn't want to downsize their life in any way. When I suggested they do a budget and cut back they looked at me like I was the crazy one. The man assumed he could make more money any time he wanted and wasn't about to even consider changing the lifestyle of himself or his about to be ex and their children. Because I am a saver it was incomprehensible to me that they were dipping into their principal at a rate that would leave them broke in 20 years. That was MY perspective, not theirs. I soon realized that I was bringing my own financial baggage to their situation. At least being able to recognize there are different perspectives about money helps bridge the gap.

Obviously the best way to avoid divorce court is to pick your future spouse very carefully. Most dating couples don't even begin to explore each others relationship to money or child rearing. Most people are unaware of their own feelings and thoughts about these issues. Once you are already married to an incompatible spouse it will take some reasoned action on your part to head things off at the pass before they get ugly. One of the most perfect examples of a case where they did NOT act in time was the case of the man who worked for a company that gave him matching funds for every cent he contributed to his retirement. He was such a saver that the idea of doubling his money was irresistible and he saved a LOT over the years. His wife, resented every penny he didn't spend on the family and for years seethed with anger. Finally she let loose and started gambling and of course, losing. The teenage kids were more like their dad and would stay home at night while mom went out talking about how crazy their mother was, how she might as well just burn the cash. This situation didn't last long and of course, because this is a community property state she got half of the life savings of the husband.

The moral of the story is to be aware of the areas of conflict and address them before they get out of hand. I read a wonderful interview with old couples about what made their marriages last over 40 years and almost every one said, "compromise." Do you want to avoid divorce? Better listen to these older couples. If you can't stick it out, look at your Peaceful Divorce options.